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.Only through struggle have I found rest.
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[11 May 2008|11:33pm] |
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happy birthday to me!
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[20 Mar 2008|02:54am] |
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mood |
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 flirty |
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play me one about drinking, one about cheating, a few about loosin, lyin and leaving, one where somebody did somebody wrong, but dont play me no love songs.
i like the simple things i can wrap my head around.
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[06 Jan 2008|10:49pm] |
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ouch. talk about making feel small.
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[19 Nov 2007|08:31pm] |
lately everything i touch breaks.
this is getting serious.
even if i have no reason, im unhappy about it all.
this time of the year depresses me.
during this time is when i wish for him the most.
i have no reason to. but i push. and pull. and fall.
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[19 Oct 2007|02:08am] |
shithead to shithead...i hate it when nothing makes sense but to the two of us. i hate how everything will seem so right, and then soo wrong. i hate how our minds and hearts like to play with our heads. your the only one who gets me.
im sorry, i wish it made sense to you. both of you.
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[29 Sep 2007|09:47pm] |
=D
hehe.
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[17 Jul 2007|05:45pm] |
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mood |
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 exanimate |
] |
i guess its been a while for me. im here. still trying to get back on track and now that everything stopped falling apart im patching up the holes, like past bills and shit, and then i will get back on my feet. i think in about a month i can start fresh. i shouldnt have debt anymore and ill be living some where new and be well into my job training and we shall see how it went. the only bad thing that has happened now is i think i need a new tire on my car. i waited for something to go wrong with it, and im happy its only a tire issue. i think i need a new rim or something. we'll see.
iv been spending alot of time on my own. havent gone out alot or done anything. alot of work and sleep and nothing really. but its good to stop and think and figure things out. im hoping my job can take me far. today we went to look at that helicopter that transports trauma patients. i can take a ride with them one day if id likee. and on friday i get to do a ride along with an engine and rescue. that should be exciting. hopefully they get alot of calls. and im hoping this move will be good. iv devised a plan to ignore everything my mom says and do whatever she asks. ill give her all the money she wants and just spend alot of time in my room. i dont need anymore fights. i cant handle it. kiki, i assume u will help me remember this plan if i go back. *sigh* clermont....there isnt much out there for me anymre. i mean, besides kiki. but iv screwed things up with everyone else i care about out there. im not even returning wills calls!!! maybe ill try and make mends stay away from the drama, or create it, CHRISTIAN!!! hahahahahahahaha just kdding kiki, and just try and be a new person. maybe get back to who i was and let kiki be the bitch again.
only time will tell.
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[11 May 2007|02:02am] |
today is my birthday! yay!
there is one thing i want, which i know i wont get, but if by some miracle by god i get it, ill inform you.
i didnt want things to be this way... just for the record.
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[30 Apr 2007|02:43am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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.i had alot of stuff happen. i changed. my life flipped around. i found myself not knowing what to do or if i was going to stay around to find things out. depression took over and i just dont know. im sorry. i dont know what to do.
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| im sorrrrry. |
[23 Mar 2007|01:06am] |
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the three things that i regret. (as noted in my all about me book)
giving up
giving in
moving on.
why is it that those three things, my three regrets , seem like they are about to happen again.
im a fucking disappointment.
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| yah, you. |
[08 Feb 2007|02:47am] |
(:
thanks so much.
love love love.
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| oohh |
[29 Jan 2007|02:25am] |
TWO
Two Names You Go By:
1. Tee
2. teener
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. sweater
2. jeans
Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. love
2. honesty
Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. hug
2. talk
Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. to talk
2. a second chance
Two songs:
1. 1000 times a day
2. better together
Two pets you had/have:
1. bentley "benny" baracuda of atlantis. (haha whata name) -- ball python
2. dobby and pogp the bearded dragons
Two things you did last night:
1. worked
2. slept
Two happiest memories:
1. 5/6/03
2. dont wanna talk about it.
Two things you ate today:
1. steak
2. mashed potatos
Two people you Last Talked To:
1. ronald
2. cooper
Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. packing
2. hanging
Two longest car rides:
1. trip from vegas to wherever
2. georgia to tennessee and back
Two favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas
2. birthday
Two favorite beverages:
1. juice
2. choc milk
Two things you wish:
1. to lose weight
2. to talk
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| 6 months. |
[12 Jan 2007|12:34am] |
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mood |
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 sad |
] |
one thing goes wrong and then here i am sitting in the middle of a shitty day.
sometimes i really dont think that there is much for me out there. i struggle to find a place where im happy. i waste my money for the stupidest reasons. i stress myself by wanting more from a family that i cant have. i torture myself by letting the memories get to me. about everything. i sit and consume myself with sadness and wonder, and it leads me no where. at the end of the day i can count a million things that went wrong, almost everyday, and then count 3 things that went great. life is a struggle and sometimes i really do just wanna give up. iv dug a hole, dont know how to get out, but i will try. i have nothing to give me hope, i have no one to get answers from, i have nothing to make me feel better, but, i always think im positive that i will in the end, get what i want from you, and him, and her. but, honestly, who am i kidding?
if only i could sit with you, explain everything.
maybe then you would get it.
if only i could be next to you listening to your reasons.
maybe then i would get it.
if only i could collapse and wake up with no recollection of you
i wouldnt hurt so much
if only i wouldnt believe in love and forgiveness.
i would be a completly different person
if only i didnt hate myself everyday for this.
i would love life more.
if only i could cry and you finally realize that your ways dont just effect you.
they break my heart.
if only i could be the person you wish i would be.
maybe you would come around?
if only i found the things that would make you care about me.
then we could talk again.
if only i could talk to you one more time,
i would tell you i do love you.
and you hurt me so much.
p.s i could be that.
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| xx, i still do.... |
[10 Jan 2007|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
] |
From time to time I have regrets
For all the things I didn't say
That were on my list
From time to time my memory slips
But you're the one thing in my life
I won't forget
love love love.
snm
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| ahhhhhh |
[17 Dec 2006|08:02pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
im writing this on here because no one will see this.. and the people who do read this, we dont talk, they wont tell and/or dont know him.
my room mate drives me fucking crazy
i mean, crazy.
and he stresses me out.
just by talking..
i wanna run into a pole just to do something other then have to listen to him sing
or be immature.
id rather be babysitting.
kids are easier then him.
he thinks singing solves everything
ANNOYING!
hes stubborn
hard headed.
and im screwed til september.
i try, i try, i try
but wtf,
he is going to be the thing that gets to me this year.
im so tempted to walk out to him right now, and just punch him
and then smile
and that, my friends, will be the most accomplished i have felt all day.
(sure, im over reacting, we arent even fighting today, but im just annoyed.. hes funny, hes cool sometimes, and i know he only means well... me and him are just different, so we clash. thats all. but boy oh boy, he makes me wanna drown.)
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| your getting good at this |
[11 Dec 2006|01:08am] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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"you can pretend that your life is going on when really, all along, you're trapped in a moment you'll never be able to change."
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[24 Nov 2006|04:46pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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so, yes, its blurry, but it was fun. and yes, camera phones are shitty.
random picture time outside my apartment.
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[19 Nov 2006|09:20pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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i wish i could change my life around for the better
i wish i didnt have to think the way i think
i wish i didnt feel the way i feel
sometimes i wish i didnt need you
sometimes i wish you knew i was sorry
i wish that i could blow you off like you do to me
i wish i could yell at you and you actually be sad
i wish that i didnt wait for you
i wish you didnt set me up for disater
i wish that i was going somewhere
i wish there was a plan
i wish i had a future
sometimes i wish things wouldnt be this way
sometimes i wish everything would be exactly the same
i wish you would grow up
i wish you wouldnt hold it against me
i wish there was a way
i wish i didnt care
i wish i could get up and go
sometimes i wish for my happiness
i always wish for your happiness.
its not right.
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[03 Nov 2006|03:49pm] |
shitty dream.
my buddies and i were walking into a resturant having a good time, and right when we walked in, i looked to the right and there you were. nicholas. and mattie. and everyone we used to chill with. just sitting at a table, eating and laughing and talking and having a jolly ol good time. i walked up to the table and u gave me this horrible look and wouldnt talk to me. no one would. not even mattie. it was horrible. but there was no talking, which was odd, it was silent but you guys had this look on your face like you hated me. and i put my head down and walked back to where my friends were now sitting. it was like nothing i could do would make you guys talk to me, or even smile. i dont like that.
then last nightttt, i had another shitty dream. my mom was marring some asshole who hated all of her kids and treated us like shit and she didnt notice it at all. and then he tried to kill us all in a lake. it was bad.
thennn after that one i had another dream, i went to go buy a new ferret, the one at work, and they said that i forgot to feed him the night prior at work and he got dehydrated and he died and it was bad.
i hate bad dreams.
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